Headline Writer, Men’s Health Magazine – London

Posted in Poetry, Writing & Spoken Word on October 10, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Headline Writer, Men’s Health Magazine
Artform: Journalism
Paid?: Yes. Plus discounted gym membership!
Location: London

Men’s Health magazine, the premium magazine for the Health of Men, is looking for a headline writer to convey the content of the magazine to the casual newsagent browser.

As the cover story every issue is how to make your stomach muscles really strong, the candidate must have a good knowledge of synonyms for abs. Describing them as “a six-pack” is rather passé now, so we’re looking for people who can push the envelope of abs-description.

Here are some examples of the quality we’re looking for:-

GUYS! GET THAT WASHBOARD STOMACH LOOK AND SHE WILL DO HER LAUNDRY ON IT!

BANISH THE BEERGUT AND SAY HELLO TO YOUR SNAIL CARPARK STOMACH!

SHE’LL LOVE YOUR NEW SIX-BALD-MEN-IN-A-DRAGON-BOAT ABDOMINALS!

THE TUMMY CATTLE-GRID LOOK IS IN!

BELLY BUBBLEWRAP: ACHIEVED!

REVEALED! THE ONE-MONTH PLAN TO HAVE YOUR STOMACH LOOKING LIKE A HESSIAN BAG FULL OF WHELKS!

IS THAT YOUR TORSO, OR SIX SCOUTS UNDER A TARP?

Life expectancy for Men’s Health headline writers is, perhaps ironically, rather low. This is because of the exertion of thinking of new synonyms. Our outgoing headline writer was last seen passed out under a Soho pub table, convulsing and gibbering something about “a fistful of free-range eggs”. That kind of synonym just won’t cut it.

To apply, please send a list of your ideas to us. A job at Men’s Health comes with a standard pension plan, free gym membership and all the InstaBulk® whey pellets you can stuff into your muscled jaw.

Some knowledge of Lemsip may also be required.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 30
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Marketing Co-ordinator at Why Not Museums? – London

Posted in Arts Administration, Visual Art & Museums on May 31, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Marketing Co-ordinator
Artform: Museums
Paid?: Why not?
Location: London

Why Not Museums? is (or are) a charity working to promote and co-ordinate museums as a destination of tourism and casual learning amongst Britons and visitors to Britain.

We are looking for a Marketing Co-ordinator to work with us in promoting the name of Why Not Museums? and in developing our brand to position ourselves as a key portal for those considering a trip to a museum, or those that would never consider a trip to a museum who really should consider… uh… that.

The museum. As a consideration.

We want the key question on everyone’s lips to be “Why Not Museums?”

“Why Not Museums?”
“That is an excellent plan for a day-trip.”

And for that to be the answer as well.

“What shall we do today?”
“Why Not Museums?”

It works as both a question and an answer.

For example, if you’ve got the vast open emptiness of a bank holiday looming ahead of you, “Why Not Museums?”

If you want to learn about stuff that you might find in a museum, “Why Not Museums?”

If you’re considering buying a sofa or a whippet or something, “Why Not Museums?” (You might find some moment of clarity in a museum.)

If you’re asking “Why Not Museums?”, “Why Not Museums?” Like a mum would ask “Why Not Museums?”, and then the dad would say “Why Not Museums?”. A homely scene.

She would say “Why Not Museums?” and then he would say “Why Not Museums?”

And then they would go to a museum.

Why Not Museums?

Why not, eh? Why not museums? Why not?

Your first duty in role will be to change this stupid fucking name.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 29
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

New Country Required For Entire UK Arts Industry – Global

Posted in Multi-Discipline on May 13, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Country
Artform: All
Paid?: A little respect would be nice
Location: Anywhere but here

The entire UK Arts industry is looking for a new country to reside in, following the election of a Conservative coalition government.

That’s right, folks! We’re shipping out! All of us. Apart from Michael Caine.

We’re looking for somewhere to ply our various trades – somewhere where arts subsidy isn’t replaced with non-existent private benefactors, somewhere where we can operate without futile attempts to trim our admin budget, and somewhere where the BBC is not treated as Rupert Murdoch’s whipping boy.

Also, somewhere warm.

Some may accuse us of being rats abandoning a double-dipping ship. Those people are correct. See you guys in four years!

Please apply to NRAJ Box 28
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Performers Required For Devised Piece – Leeds

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 29, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Devising Performers x 11
Artform: Theatre
Paid?: With what?
Location: Leeds

We are looking for eleven brilliant performers for our new piece “Cardboard Roundabout”.

You must be able to devise freely, giving us lots of material that our writers can then take and claim as their own. You will be developing a script over a five-day period, for which you will be unpaid. Rehearsals will then take place later this year, in which you will not neccessarily take part. This is an excellent opportunity for you.

Auditions will take place for the unpaid devising period, for which we would like you to embody one of the following roles. Please try to pick a role that other people might not have picked.

CHARACTER BREAKDOWNS

CONRAD (male, 52, any accent)
He cannot believe how lucky he is to be working on this play. Makes constant inappropriate sexual advances.

LULU (female, 60ish, Cornish/Devonshire accent)
Easily offended. Works as a baker. Smooth skin, but getting on a bit. Secretly homophobic.

ALISON (male, 19, Welsh Catholic)
Loud, colourful, impulsive. Morally right, but annoying. His goal in life is to never die.

JODFREY (male, late twenties, Scottish)
High-pitched voice, with a Scottish burr which he has attempted unsuccessfully to transform into a cockney twang. He thinks he has hidden depths, but really he is very stupid, like most Scotch.

ELIZABETH (female, any age, Dutch)
Childhood girlfriend of that film maker who got murdered by radicals. Emotional, but not vindictive. Carries a trombone.

ISLAM (male, 20s, Islamic)
Believes the radicals were right to murder that Dutch film-maker. Cannot whistle. Big feet.

PRIVATE DONNY G (male, 20s, Lancaster accent, TO BE PORTRAYED BY female, 50s)
Overtly racist aspiring musician. Proactive and in your face. Suffers terrible guilt about mistreating women. Was he a soldier? Yes, he was a soldier. In Afghanistan, probably. Plagued by flashbacks and has turned to heavy drinking/swearing.

MR POOLSIDE (male, 40, any accent)
Man who reads too many books. Suspicious around sauces and table condiments.

EBOLA (female, 30s, London accent)
One of those really irritating “free spirited” characters who only exist in the minds of mediocre playwrights. A busker. Pseudo-spiritual. Over-familiar with everyone.

SOME GUY (male, ageless, timeless)
We don’t know who this guy is, but we think he might be important. Gravelly voice. Happy when indulging in fantasy.

A COMBINE HARVESTER (gender unspecific, 5, metal)
Good at threshing grain, but bad at maintaining relationships. Large teeth.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 27
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Non-Formal Learning Co-ordinator / Formal Learning Co-ordinator – Deptford

Posted in Visual Art & Museums on April 29, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Non-Formal Learning Co-ordinator / Formal Learning Co-ordinator
Artform: Arts-based learning
Paid?: Flexible (by negotiation)
Location: Deptford

The Bamborough Arts Institute in Deptford is looking for a Non-Formal Learning Co-ordinator to mastermind educational opportunities for young people and adults around our comprehensive arts collection.

We are also looking for someone to do the same, whilst wearing a bow-tie.

It is an exciting opportunity to establish learning pathways with young people and adults, some of whom come from the most impoverished areas  in the South-East. Our programmes enable everyone to use art to facilitate their learning in a way that suits each individual – either through discussion, imaginative exercises and creative response to artistic works; or through inflexible textbook copying at the end of a disciplinarian slipper.

You will work with key external partners to develop methods of delivering access to people who would not traditionally turn to the Bamborough art collection for learning, and encourage them to participate in our programme – either by cooking them a cake and having a pyjama party; or by slapping them hard across their stupid faces, barking obscenities into their wide, cow-like eyes, and demanding ever-increasing amounts of sit-ups that they must do to prove their worth.

Please send either a typed CV with full job history and two references, or a picture of your face made with Fuzzy Felt.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 26
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Wu Tang Clan Require Young Dirty Bastard – New York / Shaolin

Posted in Music on April 20, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Dirty Bastard
Artform: Rap / Deranged crack-fuelled mysticism
Paid?: Cream, get the money, dollar dollar bill y’all
Location: All the way from the Slums of Shaolin

Following the sad demise of our old Dirty Bastard, a vacancy has come up within the Wu Tang Clan for a young Dirty Bastard.

Obviously, Dirt McGirt leaves large, Wu Wear shoes to fill, and so we’re looking for someone really special to inherit the Big Baby Jesus mantle.

Key skills will include:-

  • Incomprehensible, yet captivating, rhyme style
  • Understanding that ‘being on the run’ means avoiding places where you might be discovered, e.g. a Wu Tang Clan concert.
  • Bringing the motherfucking ruckus

If you’d like to apply, please send in a resume, plus answer the following questions:-

  • When was the last time you had ‘beef’ with someone, and what steps did you take to resolve it?
  • You are in a McDonalds. Do you:
    • a) Stop to sign autographs, attracting a crowd, which leads to police suspicion, resulting in your arrest;
    • b) Not do that.
  • In your position as an expert, would you consider that Wu Tang Clan are or ain’t nothing to fuck with?*

Please be aware that unsuccessful applicants may wish to apply for other trainee roles within the Wu, including Method Boy, Police Sergeant Deck, and Apprentice Killah.

* Note potentially problematic double negative.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 25
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

UPDATE:

Since this job was posted in April 2010, the position of Young Dirty Bastard has been filled by… well, by Young Dirty Bastard aka Boy Jones. This job application is therefore closed. We wish Young Dirty Bastard all the best with his job, especially if he keeps making tunes like this. That’s the satisfaction of a job advert well filled, my friend.

Fugly Muse Required – St Ives

Posted in Visual Art & Museums on April 20, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Muse
Artform: Art Form
Paid?: In equal amounts of desire and repulsion
Location: St Ives, Cornwall

Hello, dearest.

I am a painter in oils in the artistic enclave of St Ives, Cornwall. I’m looking for an inspirational muse for a new series of paintings. You must possess an indefinable grace and poise, with a cheeky yet harrowing quality, and also be fugly.

I’m looking for someone with an almost-indiscernible gleam of defiance behind their eyes – someone who could lead armies into battle with but an imperceptible circle of their shoulder, and a casually-parted lip.

And a face like a welder’s bench.

Gender is not important. Age is not important. Class is not important. Hair colour is not important. Skin tone is not important. Build is not important.

A face is important.

A face with character, with charm, with flair; with its nose on all wrong, one eye chillingly larger than the other, and hefty tufts of hair in places that it should never be.

A face fit for falling on.

The main emotion I wish to engender in an audience is: “HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT? THAT CAN’T BE REAL! HOLY SHIT!”

As a painter in the New New New Grotesque style, I take elements from the Grotesque school, the New Grotesque school, and the New New Grotesque school, but refresh it with modern elements to make images undeniably New New New Grotesque-esque.

My work has been described as “Jenny Saville meets Lucian Freud in Picasso’s Guernica, and takes him to tea in a battle-ravaged tea shop with Beryl Cook” (St Ives AdverStIvesr).

Previous work included a triptych entitled “Bell / Biv / DeVoe”, and work with another fugly model “This Is What It Looks Like When Love Is Blind”.

Oh, and applicants should also be comfortable with appearing in the nip.

Do get in touch. I’m totally barren without you.

Apply to NRAJ Box 24
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com