Job: Headline Writer, Men’s Health Magazine
Paid?: Yes. Plus discounted gym membership!
Men’s Health magazine, the premium magazine for the Health of Men, is looking for a headline writer to convey the content of the magazine to the casual newsagent browser.
As the cover story every issue is how to make your stomach muscles really strong, the candidate must have a good knowledge of synonyms for abs. Describing them as “a six-pack” is rather passé now, so we’re looking for people who can push the envelope of abs-description.
Here are some examples of the quality we’re looking for:-
GUYS! GET THAT WASHBOARD STOMACH LOOK AND SHE WILL DO HER LAUNDRY ON IT!
BANISH THE BEERGUT AND SAY HELLO TO YOUR SNAIL CARPARK STOMACH!
SHE’LL LOVE YOUR NEW SIX-BALD-MEN-IN-A-DRAGON-BOAT ABDOMINALS!
THE TUMMY CATTLE-GRID LOOK IS IN!
BELLY BUBBLEWRAP: ACHIEVED!
REVEALED! THE ONE-MONTH PLAN TO HAVE YOUR STOMACH LOOKING LIKE A HESSIAN BAG FULL OF WHELKS!
IS THAT YOUR TORSO, OR SIX SCOUTS UNDER A TARP?
Life expectancy for Men’s Health headline writers is, perhaps ironically, rather low. This is because of the exertion of thinking of new synonyms. Our outgoing headline writer was last seen passed out under a Soho pub table, convulsing and gibbering something about “a fistful of free-range eggs”. That kind of synonym just won’t cut it.
To apply, please send a list of your ideas to us. A job at Men’s Health comes with a standard pension plan, free gym membership and all the InstaBulk® whey pellets you can stuff into your muscled jaw.
Some knowledge of Lemsip may also be required.
Please apply to NRAJ Box 30