Archive for the Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts Category

Cuts-ravaged Theatre Company Seeks Cast For Seven Brides For Seven Brothers: The Duologue – Shrewsbury

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 17, 2011 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Actor x2
Artform: Austerity theatre
Paid?: Yes
Location: Shrewsbury

Following the withdrawal of our regular arts funding, we’re looking for two almost-superhuman actors to form the entire cast for our production of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers.

When it became apparent that our funding was not as secure as we had previously believed, we blithely insisted that our production schedule would continue as previously arranged, and it is only now that we are beginning to realise the ramifications of this as we attempt to stage the 1954 musical celebration of multiple nuptials with a cast of only two people.

We are therefore looking for two exceptionally fit actors, as they will have to do a lot of running around. We don’t want actors keeling over as the demands of re-enacting the original’s gruelling dance scenes fall not upon fourteen teenagers, but two senior citizens from the Indian subcontinent.

For, lest we forget to mention, our sole remaining funding comes from the Laxmishanker G. Pathak Foundation, whose mission is to encourage artistic participation by ‘citizens of the third age’ from a Gujarati background. We are eternally grateful to the LG Pathak Foundation for sticking by us, and it is to our great discredit that we did not consider the paucity of roles for Gujarati senior citizens in the romantic musical tale of Oregonian backwoodsmen and their brides.

Nevertheless, we plough on regardless, resting on the ever-benevolent arms of the Theatrical Fates, and we are certain that there must be – there must be – actors out there with the internal constitution, acting ability, and proud Indian heritage to take on seven roles each and sing rousing versions of “Sobbin’ Women” and “Lonesome Polecat”.

Please get in touch. Without the two of you, our epic musical vision shall be yet another scalp claimed by this disastrous turn in Arts Council funding, and our short-sighted press release insisting that we would carry on come-what-may will indeed be the final nail in the coffin for our theatrical ambition.

Plus, we’ve got a lot of complimentary Patak’s chutney that needs eating.

Apply to NRAJ Box 33


Theatrical Producer Tentatively Opening Newspaper Seeks Buddha – Guildford

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 8, 2011 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Buddha
Artform: Awakenment
Paid?: I shall festoon your spiritual palaces with exotic spices
Location: The Guildford of our age

Oh supreme one, help me in my direst hour, as I open the Guildford Advertiser to see what they thought of my production of Alan Ayckbourn’s “Bedroom Farce” at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre.

Sitting here in my favourite breakfast cafe, may I figuratively pat your noble belly and ask that the Guildford Advertiser overlook Jessica’s hamminess? Yes, her interpretation of Delia is a little… bold, but as you know, the beautiful teaching of anitya tells us that all things that come to be have an end, and our production of Bedroom Farce has one heck of a curtain call.

For, oh Buddha, I do not come into this state of enlightenment with this unopened copy of the Guildford Advertiser thinking that I have achieved an unconstructed dimension of awareness with this production of Ayckbourn’s play. We have had our share of production problems, including a poorly put-together bed which almost disintegrated under Trevor and Jan. Nevermind “nirvana”, we “nirly didn’t make press night” – what with Gregory’s indiscretion about Fiona’s friend’s gastric band.

So, as I open this newspaper, I am contemplating upon the Four Noble Truths which tell us that suffering is an ingrained part of existence. And, just as Susannah must live life knowing the weight of Trevor’s indiscretion, so must I bear the new weight if the Guildford Advertiser recognise the reused costumes from last June’s modern-dress Henry V. And I must also remember that suffering can be ended, especially if I blank that hack critic at the Guildford Advertiser Christmas party.

And if not, may the eggs and bacon of this breakfast cafe be the meal (like yours from Cunda the blacksmith) which carries me to Parinirvana, and saves me from Tuesday’s edition of the Guildford Times.

Apply to NRAJ Box 32

Corporate Funder Required For Corporate Funding Satire – Bristol

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 8, 2011 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Corporate Funder
Artform: Theatre
Paid?: No, you would pay us.
Location: Brizzle

“Let’s make some theatre!”

That’s what we thought to ourselves when we heard of all of the money being taken from theatre and given to BANKERS who put it in their basements like Scrooge McDuck and then swim around in it. “Let’s make some theatre!” is what we thought because even though it might be counter-incongruous to do that, that is what we DO in our careers as professional ARTISANS.

So Jonty has written a play called “All In This Together?” and the question mark is really important because – reading between the lines – he thinks we are not all in this together. YEAH! Take that, Mr McDuck OBE!

And now we’re looking for some corporate funding, both because we need funds for acting shoes, etc, but also as a VERY CLEVER double layer of clever.

You see, if our show is all about how corporate funding is never going to be an adequate replacement for arts council funding, and we then have corporate funding ourselves, it’s like we’re attacking The Man TWICE. It’s like our theatre sword is a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword of theatre. Where one edge is satirical, making the Fat Cats realise how fat (and also feline) they are, and where the other edge is sharp, like a sword, and purely practical because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to rent the Redgrave Theatre in Clifton.

So we are looking for a corporate funder who is also a bit gullible.

Incidentally, did you know that the word “gullible” has been removed from the dictionary? It has. It definitely has.

Please apply with details of your enormous wealth, and also the length of time it took you to realise that the word “gullible” hasn’t actually been removed from the dictionary, and that that was a test to see whether you are gullible or not (a long time is better).

Please apply to NRAJ Box 31

Performers Required For Devised Piece – Leeds

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 29, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Devising Performers x 11
Artform: Theatre
Paid?: With what?
Location: Leeds

We are looking for eleven brilliant performers for our new piece “Cardboard Roundabout”.

You must be able to devise freely, giving us lots of material that our writers can then take and claim as their own. You will be developing a script over a five-day period, for which you will be unpaid. Rehearsals will then take place later this year, in which you will not neccessarily take part. This is an excellent opportunity for you.

Auditions will take place for the unpaid devising period, for which we would like you to embody one of the following roles. Please try to pick a role that other people might not have picked.


CONRAD (male, 52, any accent)
He cannot believe how lucky he is to be working on this play. Makes constant inappropriate sexual advances.

LULU (female, 60ish, Cornish/Devonshire accent)
Easily offended. Works as a baker. Smooth skin, but getting on a bit. Secretly homophobic.

ALISON (male, 19, Welsh Catholic)
Loud, colourful, impulsive. Morally right, but annoying. His goal in life is to never die.

JODFREY (male, late twenties, Scottish)
High-pitched voice, with a Scottish burr which he has attempted unsuccessfully to transform into a cockney twang. He thinks he has hidden depths, but really he is very stupid, like most Scotch.

ELIZABETH (female, any age, Dutch)
Childhood girlfriend of that film maker who got murdered by radicals. Emotional, but not vindictive. Carries a trombone.

ISLAM (male, 20s, Islamic)
Believes the radicals were right to murder that Dutch film-maker. Cannot whistle. Big feet.

PRIVATE DONNY G (male, 20s, Lancaster accent, TO BE PORTRAYED BY female, 50s)
Overtly racist aspiring musician. Proactive and in your face. Suffers terrible guilt about mistreating women. Was he a soldier? Yes, he was a soldier. In Afghanistan, probably. Plagued by flashbacks and has turned to heavy drinking/swearing.

MR POOLSIDE (male, 40, any accent)
Man who reads too many books. Suspicious around sauces and table condiments.

EBOLA (female, 30s, London accent)
One of those really irritating “free spirited” characters who only exist in the minds of mediocre playwrights. A busker. Pseudo-spiritual. Over-familiar with everyone.

SOME GUY (male, ageless, timeless)
We don’t know who this guy is, but we think he might be important. Gravelly voice. Happy when indulging in fantasy.

A COMBINE HARVESTER (gender unspecific, 5, metal)
Good at threshing grain, but bad at maintaining relationships. Large teeth.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 27

Bee Required For Dance Workshops – Newcastle

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 9, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Workshop Leader
Artform: Dance
Paid?: All the pollen you can carry.
Location: Newcastle / North East

In this time of financial instability, we at Arts Council North East are looking to every part of society to pull together, develop transferrable skills, and support our struggling arts professionals.

We’re therefore looking for a bee, based in Newcastle, to run some dance workshops.

Due to cutbacks, we have had to withdraw funding for the Newcastle Konservatoire Of Transformative Ballet, leaving the thirty dancers – currently under contract – with no job. Without a job, these dancers will seek alternative employ – perhaps in a strip club. Or worse – they could end up living feral in the Borough Woods on the A1 near Morpeth, or going on Britain’s Got Talent.

Thankfully, our scheme Little Acorns To Mighty Artists is here to encourage skills sharing and a mutual reliance between the Arts and the Natural world.

We’re therefore looking for a Workshop Leader who can teach the thirty unemployed dancers of the NKOTB the traditional dance of the bee. The benefits of this scheme are two-fold – the proud, performative heritage of the apine world is continued and maintained in the face of Colony Collapse Disorder, and unemployed dancers are taught a trade.

Our dream is that soon we shall see the legs of these dancers smeared with pollen, as they then direct other troupes of dancers towards the best outcrop of blooms. The dancers can then retire to their Sage Gateshead Hive, to repeatedly ingest and regurgitate the pollen and make sweet, sweet honey. This is Arts In Action – retraining performance-makers to give them both a transferrable skill and a self-perpetuating food source.

The bee must be Newcastle-based, and must have experience of bee dancing – whether based in a man-made or natural hive. In the first instance, send a CV and a reference from your Queen. We may later ask for a DVD recording of your dance, evidence of your experience handling large numbers of drones, and possibly a sample of the honey created, as we’ve almost run out in the office.

Your compensation will be all the pollen you can take away from the Arts Council North East gardens, BUPA membership, and free tickets to anything at the Baltic that takes your fancy.

No Wasps. We know the difference, you little shits.

This is an Arts Council North East Opportunity – “Arts? Why Aye!”

Apply to NRAJ Box 23

Assistant Director Wanted To Do Not A Damn Thing – London

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 8, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Assistant Director
Artform: Noiseless support
Paid?: Vicariously.

I am Gregory Manwood, Artistic Director of Grey Box Theatre. I am looking for an Assistant Director for my new production of “The Importance of Being Earnest” who is looking for experience, participation in a first-class piece of theatre, and to do not a damn thing.

Look, let’s not fool ourselves. I am the Director of this piece. You need experience, and I am willing to give you that experience. Now… hush hush, eh? Go sit in the corner.

I don’t care what you do over there. Don’t you have an iPod or anything? Apparently the crossword in the Metro isn’t too bad. I wouldn’t know, of course, I’ve been too busy directing plays to ever have the time to do crosswords.

Oh, you have ideas about the scene, do you? How can I make this plainer? I’m not interested. If you wanted to direct “The Importance of Being Earnest”, you should have gone and directed it yourself. Think about that next time you consider interrupting my Vision.

Do you think Wilde himself had an Assistant Wilde who sat at his elbow whilst he was writing and added commas, adjusted grammar, suggested witty bon mots? Don’t make me laugh!

No, I mean it. Don’t make me laugh. Now look what you’ve done. Algernon has started wearing a hat. I didn’t see a hat in my Vision. You have compromised my Vision. Get in the corner.

You want a job? You’ve got a job! Silently make notes on everything I do. You will learn quicker that way.

You don’t have a notebook? You’ve got another job! You must leave the rehearsal room and buy yourself a notebook. Take your time.

Your name will appear in the programme, although I don’t know why. You haven’t done a damn thing. Maybe I will change your job title. “Directorial Trainee”? “Company Executive”? “Production Team”?

No. To carefully consider changing your job title would take time. Time that I do not have. You’ll have to change it yourself. Another job for you!

What great experience you’re getting! Remember me in your memoirs, won’t you? It’s “Manwood”. Gregory Manwood.

Apply to NRAJ Box 22

Fat Orphan Required For Drag Musical – Manchester

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 5, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Chunky Ragamuffin Child
Artform: Hefty Presence
Paid?: Only in glory, darling. Only in glory.
Location: Manchester

Hello darlings. My name is Sandy Dimmock, the celebrated DIVA. I’ve posted on Not Real Arts Jobs before, and that employment had a HAPPY ENDING COUGH NUDGE OOOH NUDGE so here I am again. YOU ARE TOO LUCKY.

I am putting on a musical version of the Sandra Bullock film “The Blind Side”, which I have entitled “The Sandra Bullock Film The Blind Side: The Musical”.

The story is about a FABULOUS homely woman, played by Sandra (film) / Me (musical), who takes in a MASSIVELY OBESE boy who has run away from home and who imbues him with a sense of GORGEOUS SELF-BELIEF, like Gok would.

He then becomes a WONDERFULLY SWEATY athlete – an American Football player who plays a sport that I DON’T UNDERSTAND AT ALL but which involves him rubbing himself agains the rippling haunches of COLLEGE STUDENTS. Oooh.

I’m therefore looking for a FAT ORPHAN. They must be at least tubby, preferably MONSTROUS. You get extra points if you bring YOUR OWN HELMET NUDGE COUGH AHEM AHEM.

The songs include “36-24-36 Hut Hut”, “My Heart Is As Big As Your Orphaned Ass”, and “MILF Cheerleader”. For that last one, I wear a Cheerleader costume.

The Chubby Waif in question will not have to do any acting, per se. How could they, next to such an electric stage presence as mine own? No, they must stand next to me and be INSPIRED BY MY MOUTH.

I mean, by the things I say. OOOH POUT POUT WINK.

Of course, I have up to twelve costume changes in the show, but you also have a costume change, when you discard your raggedy HOBO CLOTHES and put on an American Football costume, including HELMET.

And if you are experienced in OOOH NUDGE POUT any other WINK NOD NOD EYELASH-FLUTTER theatrical techniques POUT POUT SIGH OOOH then that would be appreciated too. POUT NUDGE NUDGE WINK.

Apply to NRAJ Box 19