Archive for the Poetry, Writing & Spoken Word Category

Ghostwriter Required To Apologise For Not Posting On Blog – London/Internet

Posted in Poetry, Writing & Spoken Word on May 3, 2012 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Writer / Blogger
Artform: Grovelling
Paid?: For blogging?
Location: Internet

So, yeah, basically I started the blog as – you know – a chance to get my thoughts out about, like, TV and politics and stuff, but I just got really busy with work, and dating Alison, so I thought “Shit, I haven’t posted on my blog in ages” and then I thought “I should apologise for that”.

But then I thought “I haven’t really got time to apologise for that because of the work thing and the Alison thing”, so that sucked.

But then I thought “Why do I need to apologise? It’s not like there’s some kind of rule about how often you need to write on a blog, is there?”

But then Alison said “Why don’t you ever write on your blog anymore? When we were first dating, I saw your posts and it made me want to get to know you, and… you know, you have a really unique view on Game of Thrones that really needs to get out there”.

And I said “Yeah, I do, but… you know, the work thing and… you know, we’re dating and everything… and it just seems a bit… I don’t know…”

And Alison said “Well…”

And I said “Yeah…”

And then she said “Hmm…”

And I said “You know…”

I love her so much. She’s so encouraging.

So yeah, if you could write an apology for why I haven’t blogged recently, I’ll post it up.

I think Game of Thrones is pretty good.

Apply to NRAJ Box 36
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

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Headline Writer, Men’s Health Magazine – London

Posted in Poetry, Writing & Spoken Word on October 10, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Headline Writer, Men’s Health Magazine
Artform: Journalism
Paid?: Yes. Plus discounted gym membership!
Location: London

Men’s Health magazine, the premium magazine for the Health of Men, is looking for a headline writer to convey the content of the magazine to the casual newsagent browser.

As the cover story every issue is how to make your stomach muscles really strong, the candidate must have a good knowledge of synonyms for abs. Describing them as “a six-pack” is rather passé now, so we’re looking for people who can push the envelope of abs-description.

Here are some examples of the quality we’re looking for:-

GUYS! GET THAT WASHBOARD STOMACH LOOK AND SHE WILL DO HER LAUNDRY ON IT!

BANISH THE BEERGUT AND SAY HELLO TO YOUR SNAIL CARPARK STOMACH!

SHE’LL LOVE YOUR NEW SIX-BALD-MEN-IN-A-DRAGON-BOAT ABDOMINALS!

THE TUMMY CATTLE-GRID LOOK IS IN!

BELLY BUBBLEWRAP: ACHIEVED!

REVEALED! THE ONE-MONTH PLAN TO HAVE YOUR STOMACH LOOKING LIKE A HESSIAN BAG FULL OF WHELKS!

IS THAT YOUR TORSO, OR SIX SCOUTS UNDER A TARP?

Life expectancy for Men’s Health headline writers is, perhaps ironically, rather low. This is because of the exertion of thinking of new synonyms. Our outgoing headline writer was last seen passed out under a Soho pub table, convulsing and gibbering something about “a fistful of free-range eggs”. That kind of synonym just won’t cut it.

To apply, please send a list of your ideas to us. A job at Men’s Health comes with a standard pension plan, free gym membership and all the InstaBulk® whey pellets you can stuff into your muscled jaw.

Some knowledge of Lemsip may also be required.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 30
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Reviewer Required For, Like, Snarkiest Blog Ever – Web

Posted in Poetry, Writing & Spoken Word on April 6, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Reviewer
Artform: Withering Putdowns
Paid?: For blogging? Are you kidding me?
Location: Web

Shithouse Daily – the internet’s most caustic call-a-spade-a-spade review blog – is looking for, like, the most sarcastic reviewer ever to review plays, films, art, and other bollocks.

But what sort of person are we looking for? You can write, sure… But are you a Shithouse Daily writer?

At one point in your life, maybe, there was a little glimmer of happiness caused by art or film or some shit like that. Maybe you saw a drop of dew on a leaf and thought you saw something of your soul reflected in that perfect droplet of water.

Whatever, dickhead.

Now you’re, like, totally over being moved by a fucking drip of water and, like, like nothing. Especially not the endless cavalcade of knuckle-dragging douchebags who make stuff that you have to watch for Shithouse Daily, which is – let’s not forget – a blog which total losers read. You hear me, Shithouse shithouses? You’re all losers!

And so where you would have once written:-

“There was a drop of dew on a leaf and inside it I saw the very parameters of my soul being charted, and with glassy eyes I scanned the oceans of my existence and read the legend ‘HERE BE MONSTERS’…”

… now, after a disappointing experience of life, of sexual disaster, of failing to get your novel finished, you would write:-

“This drop of PISS wasn’t even trying, lying impotently upon its comfortable leaf couch. Fuck this dew! *I* could roll off a leaf better than this bastard!”

You will be mean, misanthropic and disaffected. If you have a heart it is a dessicated husk of meat limply breathing out a cloud of dust.

Extra kudos is granted to anyone who writes their reviews in character, or in rhyme, just to make any criticism of the piece in question even more puerile and even less justified. A high water mark of this technique was our review of GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, which was just a picture of a kitten licking a hammer. What did that mean? Nothing but a hearty contempt for the reader!

We require a submitted CV listing your significant failures alongside your triumphs, so we have ammunition when we inevitably fire you. We would also like five examples of your criticism – one of which should be what you think of contemporary art expressed solely through a photograph of your bum.

Finally, never forget that, at every stage of the interview process, we are talking shit about you behind your back, mocking your physical appearance, and collectively deconstructing the pathetic facades that you have erected to mask your lack of personality. This, to us, is fun.

Good luck.

Shithouse Daily is an Equal Opportunities Employer – in that we hate everyone equally.

Apply to NRAJ Box 21
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Intern Opportunity – Author’s Assistant – Central London

Posted in Poetry, Writing & Spoken Word on April 5, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Author’s Assistant
Artform: Writing & Publishing
Paid?: Your internship will be unpaid, however the employer supplies: 8-10 cups of tea a day, needlessly complex home-cooked meals and a bicycle for interminable meandering
Location: Central London (home studio office, the large Sainsbury’s with the good organic selection, ALL FLOORS of Oxford St Topshop)

Are you trying to break into writing/publishing?

Are you trying to gain invaluable experience of professional life as an author?

Are you ready for the challenge of living day-to-day as a writer in the incredibly competitive commercial fiction market?

Central London-based author on a three-book contact from a major publisher is looking for an intern to take over her endless pissing about as she procrastinates wildly about her manuscript and hides from deadlines.

Your responsibilities will include:

  • checking the author’s email
  • making the author another cup of tea (this you will do whenever the author looks like she might actually be starting to work)
  • seeing if anyone’s said anything interesting on the author’s Twitter list, and spending an hour finessing a great reply if it’s someone the author wants to impress
  • replacing the author in several volunteer positions in community groups and non-profit arts organisations and selecting yourself to a.) overhaul the website, b.) prepare the reconciliations for the accountant and c.) go to the working bee and cement up the old toilet.
  • checking the author’s email again
  • phoning the author’s friends… in Australia
  • spending three hours in Sainsbury’s comparison shopping for the author between canned and boxed chickpeas
  • popping into town on the author’s behalf to visit Topshop… and Uniqlo… and Urban Outfitters… and then having a coffee and then maybe a lovely spot of lunch
  • staying in the author’s bed staring at the ceiling until 2pm
  • riding the author’s bike around Battersea Park for an hour, pretending that it’s actually exercise
  • fretting about imaginary issues in the author’s healthy adult relationship (this may involve calling the author’s mother in tears)
  • checking the author’s email just once more
  • looking at websites the author would think were really funny, and maybe posting comments or adding to them so the author can enjoy a sense of community
  • adding the author’s tasks to Google Tasks and then not actually putting them in her calendar
  • updating the author’s Facebook status
  • writing witty comments from the author to appear under the statuses of her Facebook friends…
  • … even the ones she barely knows
  • ordering books and DVDs on Amazon that the author will watch after she’s gone through the corrected proofs, seeing if there are discount vouchers for things you saw at Uniqlo that may be cheaper online than in the store and getting the author’s organic vegetables delivered (you will have to make sure you deliberate over the vegetable selection and fruit options for a good three hours)
  • reading the New York Times online… and the Independent… and the Sydney Morning Herald… and the Kansas City Star…
  • preparing, for the author and her boyfriend, a complex culinary meal that will take 4 hours to cook and which the author’s boyfriend will devour in five seconds and with a grunt
  • checking the author’s email just one more time

Please address all criteria in your written application. Applicants with a.) higher than a 2.1 or b.) a degree from a non-regional university need not apply, as the author may get intimidated and take over your responsibilities herself.

An ability to self-sabotage any opportunity for career advancement is a great advantage.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see first-hand how an author actually erodes the vocational victory of a long-sought publishing contact by procrastinating in incredibly creative and unproductive ways. Timewasters are encouraged to apply.

Apply to NRAJ Box 20
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Early Years Storyteller Requiredywiredy – Exeter

Posted in Poetry, Writing & Spoken Word on April 2, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Storyteller
Artform: Storytelling
Paid?: Oooh, aren’t you GROWN-UP, asking a question like that?
Location: Exeter

HEWWO! Wook at you, aww appwying for a job! How CUTE are you?!

We are looking for someone to tell ickwul STORIES to little girls and boys about FAIRIES and MICE and women living in SHOES OR GOURDS.

And when you speak the stories out loud, sometimes your voice will go ALL HIGH LIKE A MOUSE or all gruff and grumpy like a mean old troll who doesn’t want the nice little lady to LIVE IN HIS GOURD. And sometimes you will act the story out with ickwul puppets, or with ickwul toys, or with an ACTUAL REAL LIFE GOURD.

Do you have an ickwul CRB clearance? That would be NICE THANKYOU.

HOORAY! Would you like some ice-cream? Or to give us two WEFWENCES?

And some kind of caweewer histowy to demonstwate your expewience working with childwen?

And then you can come to our BIRTHDAY PARTY (by which we mean “school”). And you can take away an exciting PARTY BAG (by which we mean “a monthly paycheque and participation in our school pension scheme”).

We look forward to hearing from you and SEEING HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN.

Apply to NRAJ Box 18
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Na’vi Translator – Pandora / Work From Home

Posted in Poetry, Writing & Spoken Word on March 26, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Na’vi Translator
Artform: Poetry / Translation
Paid?: I may let you connect your braid to my five-legged horse
Location: Pandora / Work From Home

Qapla’! I am a Klingon poet looking to branch out into new markets, and so I’m looking for a translator who can turn my brutish Klingon verse into lyrical Na’vi.

My poetry, similar to most Klingon poetry, is striking, guttural, and usually concludes with a solid headbutt. Subjects include war, rough sex, fighting, bat’leth repair, punching people in the face with the heel of one’s hand, and traditional Klingon mating rituals. These rituals are also basically fighting.

I would like a translator who is able to take my poems and make them relevant to the Na’vi of Pandora, whose culture of nature worship, bioluminescent skin, and fondness for trees, I would greatly admire, if that wouldn’t make me some creepy little petaQ.

I believe there’s some real money in poetry, and also in the Na’vi, who admittedly don’t have any pockets, but do have unobtanium out of the wazoo. I also want to appeal to the “Earthling Who Is Dangerously Lonely and Getting Lonelier” market.

You will be fluent in both Klingon and Na’vi, and have a genuine skill at translating poetry celebrating gutsy violence into mimsy tree-hugging bullshit.

I cannot pay for this translation, but can offer a reference, connections within the Klingon High Council for future Na’vi translations, and – as stated above – I may let you connect the tendrils of your sentient ponytail with the back of my five-legged horse’s head, although I can’t say I approve of that, and may accidentally punch you.

Apply to NRAJ Box 4
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com