Artform: Withering Putdowns
Paid?: For blogging? Are you kidding me?
Shithouse Daily – the internet’s most caustic call-a-spade-a-spade review blog – is looking for, like, the most sarcastic reviewer ever to review plays, films, art, and other bollocks.
But what sort of person are we looking for? You can write, sure… But are you a Shithouse Daily writer?
At one point in your life, maybe, there was a little glimmer of happiness caused by art or film or some shit like that. Maybe you saw a drop of dew on a leaf and thought you saw something of your soul reflected in that perfect droplet of water.
Now you’re, like, totally over being moved by a fucking drip of water and, like, like nothing. Especially not the endless cavalcade of knuckle-dragging douchebags who make stuff that you have to watch for Shithouse Daily, which is – let’s not forget – a blog which total losers read. You hear me, Shithouse shithouses? You’re all losers!
And so where you would have once written:-
“There was a drop of dew on a leaf and inside it I saw the very parameters of my soul being charted, and with glassy eyes I scanned the oceans of my existence and read the legend ‘HERE BE MONSTERS’…”
… now, after a disappointing experience of life, of sexual disaster, of failing to get your novel finished, you would write:-
“This drop of PISS wasn’t even trying, lying impotently upon its comfortable leaf couch. Fuck this dew! *I* could roll off a leaf better than this bastard!”
You will be mean, misanthropic and disaffected. If you have a heart it is a dessicated husk of meat limply breathing out a cloud of dust.
Extra kudos is granted to anyone who writes their reviews in character, or in rhyme, just to make any criticism of the piece in question even more puerile and even less justified. A high water mark of this technique was our review of GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, which was just a picture of a kitten licking a hammer. What did that mean? Nothing but a hearty contempt for the reader!
We require a submitted CV listing your significant failures alongside your triumphs, so we have ammunition when we inevitably fire you. We would also like five examples of your criticism – one of which should be what you think of contemporary art expressed solely through a photograph of your bum.
Finally, never forget that, at every stage of the interview process, we are talking shit about you behind your back, mocking your physical appearance, and collectively deconstructing the pathetic facades that you have erected to mask your lack of personality. This, to us, is fun.
Shithouse Daily is an Equal Opportunities Employer – in that we hate everyone equally.
Apply to NRAJ Box 21