Archive for the Music Category

Mezze required for Close Harmony Group – Winchester

Posted in Music on May 2, 2011 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Mezze
Artform: Close-harmony music, and the fuelling thereof
Paid?: Yes, with a generous 15% tip
Location: Winchester

Following a tough gig, close harmony group The Unlimiteds have a role in their team available to a wide-ranging mezze dinner.

The Unlimiteds are a five-part harmony group, singing an uptempo mix of jazz standards, musical theatre, and the occasional cheeky cover version! As you might imagine, it’s hungry work.

The vacancy in The Unlimiteds must be filled by a range of small and tasty dishes of Middle Eastern and Mediterranean origin. For the vacancy is in their tummies.

The applicant must have an excellent sense of hummus-to-bread ratio, good experience with those tasty little kebabs, and must be a great source of ideas, especially if those ideas include “How about some more tabbouleh?”

Please send in a CV sellotaped to a tupperware full of baba ghanoush, by way of reference. We look forward to meeting you.

And then eating you.

Apply to NRAJ Box 35
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

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Wu Tang Clan Require Young Dirty Bastard – New York / Shaolin

Posted in Music on April 20, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Dirty Bastard
Artform: Rap / Deranged crack-fuelled mysticism
Paid?: Cream, get the money, dollar dollar bill y’all
Location: All the way from the Slums of Shaolin

Following the sad demise of our old Dirty Bastard, a vacancy has come up within the Wu Tang Clan for a young Dirty Bastard.

Obviously, Dirt McGirt leaves large, Wu Wear shoes to fill, and so we’re looking for someone really special to inherit the Big Baby Jesus mantle.

Key skills will include:-

  • Incomprehensible, yet captivating, rhyme style
  • Understanding that ‘being on the run’ means avoiding places where you might be discovered, e.g. a Wu Tang Clan concert.
  • Bringing the motherfucking ruckus

If you’d like to apply, please send in a resume, plus answer the following questions:-

  • When was the last time you had ‘beef’ with someone, and what steps did you take to resolve it?
  • You are in a McDonalds. Do you:
    • a) Stop to sign autographs, attracting a crowd, which leads to police suspicion, resulting in your arrest;
    • b) Not do that.
  • In your position as an expert, would you consider that Wu Tang Clan are or ain’t nothing to fuck with?*

Please be aware that unsuccessful applicants may wish to apply for other trainee roles within the Wu, including Method Boy, Police Sergeant Deck, and Apprentice Killah.

* Note potentially problematic double negative.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 25
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

UPDATE:

Since this job was posted in April 2010, the position of Young Dirty Bastard has been filled by… well, by Young Dirty Bastard aka Boy Jones. This job application is therefore closed. We wish Young Dirty Bastard all the best with his job, especially if he keeps making tunes like this. That’s the satisfaction of a job advert well filled, my friend.

Bass Player Required To Groove Our Shit – Peterborough

Posted in Music on March 28, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Bass Player
Artform: Music
Paid?: Once we get our record contract.
Location: Peterborough

What is up? We are STONEGAuGE, a rocking 4-piece band looking to take things to Tha Next Level. To do that, we need a maestro of the four-string bass to groove our shit all to pieces!

We play melodic indie with a twist – we mix soul with our rock to make a truly unique sound that has never been heard before. Our influences range from the Stereophonics all the way to Snow Patrol. We experiment with sound, texture, flavour, scent, to make something fresh, original and creative. We can be soft, or hard, or loud, or quiet. We can be romantic, or grope you.

At the moment, our line-up is made up of Kevin R on guitar, Kevin S on guitar, Stooberry McCastillobraxx (Stu) on guitar, and “Big” Kev B on drums. “Big” Kev B also owns the garage we rehearse in.

We decided to be in a band when we were jamming in the Healing Fields at Glastonbury, and we hope one day to return to Glastonbury and play an actual tent.

You must be a professional, committed bassist, willing to rehearse four days a week. NO TIMEWASTERS. We are on the brink of something beautiful here. And that beautiful thing is a record contract, followed by money, and glittering fame. But we only get there by hard work, and you can’t do hard work when you’re a wage slave for The Man. Give it all up, and come join STONEGAuGE! That’s what Kevin S did. The rest of us never succumbed to the temptations of the cash.

Our MySpace is under development, so at the moment you can’t hear our demo. Trust us – it’s something pretty amazing. Come and see our shows. Your mind will be blown!

STONEGAuGE – Where The Rock Will Groove The Roll(tm).

NB. All applications from total pricks will be rejected.

Apply to NRAJ Box 11
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com