Intern Opportunity – Author’s Assistant – Central London

Job: Author’s Assistant
Artform: Writing & Publishing
Paid?: Your internship will be unpaid, however the employer supplies: 8-10 cups of tea a day, needlessly complex home-cooked meals and a bicycle for interminable meandering
Location: Central London (home studio office, the large Sainsbury’s with the good organic selection, ALL FLOORS of Oxford St Topshop)

Are you trying to break into writing/publishing?

Are you trying to gain invaluable experience of professional life as an author?

Are you ready for the challenge of living day-to-day as a writer in the incredibly competitive commercial fiction market?

Central London-based author on a three-book contact from a major publisher is looking for an intern to take over her endless pissing about as she procrastinates wildly about her manuscript and hides from deadlines.

Your responsibilities will include:

  • checking the author’s email
  • making the author another cup of tea (this you will do whenever the author looks like she might actually be starting to work)
  • seeing if anyone’s said anything interesting on the author’s Twitter list, and spending an hour finessing a great reply if it’s someone the author wants to impress
  • replacing the author in several volunteer positions in community groups and non-profit arts organisations and selecting yourself to a.) overhaul the website, b.) prepare the reconciliations for the accountant and c.) go to the working bee and cement up the old toilet.
  • checking the author’s email again
  • phoning the author’s friends… in Australia
  • spending three hours in Sainsbury’s comparison shopping for the author between canned and boxed chickpeas
  • popping into town on the author’s behalf to visit Topshop… and Uniqlo… and Urban Outfitters… and then having a coffee and then maybe a lovely spot of lunch
  • staying in the author’s bed staring at the ceiling until 2pm
  • riding the author’s bike around Battersea Park for an hour, pretending that it’s actually exercise
  • fretting about imaginary issues in the author’s healthy adult relationship (this may involve calling the author’s mother in tears)
  • checking the author’s email just once more
  • looking at websites the author would think were really funny, and maybe posting comments or adding to them so the author can enjoy a sense of community
  • adding the author’s tasks to Google Tasks and then not actually putting them in her calendar
  • updating the author’s Facebook status
  • writing witty comments from the author to appear under the statuses of her Facebook friends…
  • … even the ones she barely knows
  • ordering books and DVDs on Amazon that the author will watch after she’s gone through the corrected proofs, seeing if there are discount vouchers for things you saw at Uniqlo that may be cheaper online than in the store and getting the author’s organic vegetables delivered (you will have to make sure you deliberate over the vegetable selection and fruit options for a good three hours)
  • reading the New York Times online… and the Independent… and the Sydney Morning Herald… and the Kansas City Star…
  • preparing, for the author and her boyfriend, a complex culinary meal that will take 4 hours to cook and which the author’s boyfriend will devour in five seconds and with a grunt
  • checking the author’s email just one more time

Please address all criteria in your written application. Applicants with a.) higher than a 2.1 or b.) a degree from a non-regional university need not apply, as the author may get intimidated and take over your responsibilities herself.

An ability to self-sabotage any opportunity for career advancement is a great advantage.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see first-hand how an author actually erodes the vocational victory of a long-sought publishing contact by procrastinating in incredibly creative and unproductive ways. Timewasters are encouraged to apply.

Apply to NRAJ Box 20
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

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