Theatrical Producer 24 Hours Away From First Night Seeks Jesus – Guildford

Job: Jesus
Artform: Divinity
Paid?: Only in my soul.
Location: From Alpha to Omega, but mainly Guildford

I’m looking for some assistance for the opening night of my production of Moliere’s “Tartuffe” which opens tomorrow night at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre in Guildford. I’m looking for some help from Jesus.

If you are Jesus, then “Hello”. I haven’t tended to believe in you, as I’m not really religious, but in my time of need, I thought you might be able to lend a hand. As you know (omniscience), this production hasn’t been without its problems. Martin had that hernia and had to pull out, and Douglas – God bless him – can’t remember a single one of his lines. But all of that was fine. The on-stage business, that was fine.

But now this! The programmes are green! Green! They looked black on my computer screen and now I turn up to the theatre to find they were very dark green! I mean… what in Your name was Alison playing at? You can’t have a green programme with an orange font! It makes it look like a bloody Tic-tacs box.

And they haven’t emptied the bins in the dressing room! They’re full of crisp packets, and Charlie (Tartuffe) swears blind that none of them have eaten any crisps. (If Donald ate a crisp he’d probably shrivel up and die.) So the theatre have been singularly unhelpful.

Would you see it within your power that I could have the organisational nous to redesign and print the programmes, clear the bins, re-patch those lighting cues, and be ready for first preview? I think we have The Stage coming in.

Oh, and if you could get me some paracetamol from the chemists, that would be fucking marvellous.

Thanks, Jesus.

Apply to NRAJ Box 16

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