Archive for April, 2010

Performers Required For Devised Piece – Leeds

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 29, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Devising Performers x 11
Artform: Theatre
Paid?: With what?
Location: Leeds

We are looking for eleven brilliant performers for our new piece “Cardboard Roundabout”.

You must be able to devise freely, giving us lots of material that our writers can then take and claim as their own. You will be developing a script over a five-day period, for which you will be unpaid. Rehearsals will then take place later this year, in which you will not neccessarily take part. This is an excellent opportunity for you.

Auditions will take place for the unpaid devising period, for which we would like you to embody one of the following roles. Please try to pick a role that other people might not have picked.

CHARACTER BREAKDOWNS

CONRAD (male, 52, any accent)
He cannot believe how lucky he is to be working on this play. Makes constant inappropriate sexual advances.

LULU (female, 60ish, Cornish/Devonshire accent)
Easily offended. Works as a baker. Smooth skin, but getting on a bit. Secretly homophobic.

ALISON (male, 19, Welsh Catholic)
Loud, colourful, impulsive. Morally right, but annoying. His goal in life is to never die.

JODFREY (male, late twenties, Scottish)
High-pitched voice, with a Scottish burr which he has attempted unsuccessfully to transform into a cockney twang. He thinks he has hidden depths, but really he is very stupid, like most Scotch.

ELIZABETH (female, any age, Dutch)
Childhood girlfriend of that film maker who got murdered by radicals. Emotional, but not vindictive. Carries a trombone.

ISLAM (male, 20s, Islamic)
Believes the radicals were right to murder that Dutch film-maker. Cannot whistle. Big feet.

PRIVATE DONNY G (male, 20s, Lancaster accent, TO BE PORTRAYED BY female, 50s)
Overtly racist aspiring musician. Proactive and in your face. Suffers terrible guilt about mistreating women. Was he a soldier? Yes, he was a soldier. In Afghanistan, probably. Plagued by flashbacks and has turned to heavy drinking/swearing.

MR POOLSIDE (male, 40, any accent)
Man who reads too many books. Suspicious around sauces and table condiments.

EBOLA (female, 30s, London accent)
One of those really irritating “free spirited” characters who only exist in the minds of mediocre playwrights. A busker. Pseudo-spiritual. Over-familiar with everyone.

SOME GUY (male, ageless, timeless)
We don’t know who this guy is, but we think he might be important. Gravelly voice. Happy when indulging in fantasy.

A COMBINE HARVESTER (gender unspecific, 5, metal)
Good at threshing grain, but bad at maintaining relationships. Large teeth.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 27
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

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Non-Formal Learning Co-ordinator / Formal Learning Co-ordinator – Deptford

Posted in Visual Art & Museums on April 29, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Non-Formal Learning Co-ordinator / Formal Learning Co-ordinator
Artform: Arts-based learning
Paid?: Flexible (by negotiation)
Location: Deptford

The Bamborough Arts Institute in Deptford is looking for a Non-Formal Learning Co-ordinator to mastermind educational opportunities for young people and adults around our comprehensive arts collection.

We are also looking for someone to do the same, whilst wearing a bow-tie.

It is an exciting opportunity to establish learning pathways with young people and adults, some of whom come from the most impoverished areas  in the South-East. Our programmes enable everyone to use art to facilitate their learning in a way that suits each individual – either through discussion, imaginative exercises and creative response to artistic works; or through inflexible textbook copying at the end of a disciplinarian slipper.

You will work with key external partners to develop methods of delivering access to people who would not traditionally turn to the Bamborough art collection for learning, and encourage them to participate in our programme – either by cooking them a cake and having a pyjama party; or by slapping them hard across their stupid faces, barking obscenities into their wide, cow-like eyes, and demanding ever-increasing amounts of sit-ups that they must do to prove their worth.

Please send either a typed CV with full job history and two references, or a picture of your face made with Fuzzy Felt.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 26
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Wu Tang Clan Require Young Dirty Bastard – New York / Shaolin

Posted in Music on April 20, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Dirty Bastard
Artform: Rap / Deranged crack-fuelled mysticism
Paid?: Cream, get the money, dollar dollar bill y’all
Location: All the way from the Slums of Shaolin

Following the sad demise of our old Dirty Bastard, a vacancy has come up within the Wu Tang Clan for a young Dirty Bastard.

Obviously, Dirt McGirt leaves large, Wu Wear shoes to fill, and so we’re looking for someone really special to inherit the Big Baby Jesus mantle.

Key skills will include:-

  • Incomprehensible, yet captivating, rhyme style
  • Understanding that ‘being on the run’ means avoiding places where you might be discovered, e.g. a Wu Tang Clan concert.
  • Bringing the motherfucking ruckus

If you’d like to apply, please send in a resume, plus answer the following questions:-

  • When was the last time you had ‘beef’ with someone, and what steps did you take to resolve it?
  • You are in a McDonalds. Do you:
    • a) Stop to sign autographs, attracting a crowd, which leads to police suspicion, resulting in your arrest;
    • b) Not do that.
  • In your position as an expert, would you consider that Wu Tang Clan are or ain’t nothing to fuck with?*

Please be aware that unsuccessful applicants may wish to apply for other trainee roles within the Wu, including Method Boy, Police Sergeant Deck, and Apprentice Killah.

* Note potentially problematic double negative.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 25
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

UPDATE:

Since this job was posted in April 2010, the position of Young Dirty Bastard has been filled by… well, by Young Dirty Bastard aka Boy Jones. This job application is therefore closed. We wish Young Dirty Bastard all the best with his job, especially if he keeps making tunes like this. That’s the satisfaction of a job advert well filled, my friend.

Fugly Muse Required – St Ives

Posted in Visual Art & Museums on April 20, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Muse
Artform: Art Form
Paid?: In equal amounts of desire and repulsion
Location: St Ives, Cornwall

Hello, dearest.

I am a painter in oils in the artistic enclave of St Ives, Cornwall. I’m looking for an inspirational muse for a new series of paintings. You must possess an indefinable grace and poise, with a cheeky yet harrowing quality, and also be fugly.

I’m looking for someone with an almost-indiscernible gleam of defiance behind their eyes – someone who could lead armies into battle with but an imperceptible circle of their shoulder, and a casually-parted lip.

And a face like a welder’s bench.

Gender is not important. Age is not important. Class is not important. Hair colour is not important. Skin tone is not important. Build is not important.

A face is important.

A face with character, with charm, with flair; with its nose on all wrong, one eye chillingly larger than the other, and hefty tufts of hair in places that it should never be.

A face fit for falling on.

The main emotion I wish to engender in an audience is: “HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT? THAT CAN’T BE REAL! HOLY SHIT!”

As a painter in the New New New Grotesque style, I take elements from the Grotesque school, the New Grotesque school, and the New New Grotesque school, but refresh it with modern elements to make images undeniably New New New Grotesque-esque.

My work has been described as “Jenny Saville meets Lucian Freud in Picasso’s Guernica, and takes him to tea in a battle-ravaged tea shop with Beryl Cook” (St Ives AdverStIvesr).

Previous work included a triptych entitled “Bell / Biv / DeVoe”, and work with another fugly model “This Is What It Looks Like When Love Is Blind”.

Oh, and applicants should also be comfortable with appearing in the nip.

Do get in touch. I’m totally barren without you.

Apply to NRAJ Box 24
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Bee Required For Dance Workshops – Newcastle

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 9, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Workshop Leader
Artform: Dance
Paid?: All the pollen you can carry.
Location: Newcastle / North East

In this time of financial instability, we at Arts Council North East are looking to every part of society to pull together, develop transferrable skills, and support our struggling arts professionals.

We’re therefore looking for a bee, based in Newcastle, to run some dance workshops.

Due to cutbacks, we have had to withdraw funding for the Newcastle Konservatoire Of Transformative Ballet, leaving the thirty dancers – currently under contract – with no job. Without a job, these dancers will seek alternative employ – perhaps in a strip club. Or worse – they could end up living feral in the Borough Woods on the A1 near Morpeth, or going on Britain’s Got Talent.

Thankfully, our scheme Little Acorns To Mighty Artists is here to encourage skills sharing and a mutual reliance between the Arts and the Natural world.

We’re therefore looking for a Workshop Leader who can teach the thirty unemployed dancers of the NKOTB the traditional dance of the bee. The benefits of this scheme are two-fold – the proud, performative heritage of the apine world is continued and maintained in the face of Colony Collapse Disorder, and unemployed dancers are taught a trade.

Our dream is that soon we shall see the legs of these dancers smeared with pollen, as they then direct other troupes of dancers towards the best outcrop of blooms. The dancers can then retire to their Sage Gateshead Hive, to repeatedly ingest and regurgitate the pollen and make sweet, sweet honey. This is Arts In Action – retraining performance-makers to give them both a transferrable skill and a self-perpetuating food source.

The bee must be Newcastle-based, and must have experience of bee dancing – whether based in a man-made or natural hive. In the first instance, send a CV and a reference from your Queen. We may later ask for a DVD recording of your dance, evidence of your experience handling large numbers of drones, and possibly a sample of the honey created, as we’ve almost run out in the office.

Your compensation will be all the pollen you can take away from the Arts Council North East gardens, BUPA membership, and free tickets to anything at the Baltic that takes your fancy.

No Wasps. We know the difference, you little shits.

This is an Arts Council North East Opportunity – “Arts? Why Aye!”

Apply to NRAJ Box 23
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Assistant Director Wanted To Do Not A Damn Thing – London

Posted in Theatre, Dance & Performing Arts on April 8, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Assistant Director
Artform: Noiseless support
Paid?: Vicariously.
Location: OUT OF MY EYELINE.

I am Gregory Manwood, Artistic Director of Grey Box Theatre. I am looking for an Assistant Director for my new production of “The Importance of Being Earnest” who is looking for experience, participation in a first-class piece of theatre, and to do not a damn thing.

Look, let’s not fool ourselves. I am the Director of this piece. You need experience, and I am willing to give you that experience. Now… hush hush, eh? Go sit in the corner.

I don’t care what you do over there. Don’t you have an iPod or anything? Apparently the crossword in the Metro isn’t too bad. I wouldn’t know, of course, I’ve been too busy directing plays to ever have the time to do crosswords.

Oh, you have ideas about the scene, do you? How can I make this plainer? I’m not interested. If you wanted to direct “The Importance of Being Earnest”, you should have gone and directed it yourself. Think about that next time you consider interrupting my Vision.

Do you think Wilde himself had an Assistant Wilde who sat at his elbow whilst he was writing and added commas, adjusted grammar, suggested witty bon mots? Don’t make me laugh!

No, I mean it. Don’t make me laugh. Now look what you’ve done. Algernon has started wearing a hat. I didn’t see a hat in my Vision. You have compromised my Vision. Get in the corner.

You want a job? You’ve got a job! Silently make notes on everything I do. You will learn quicker that way.

You don’t have a notebook? You’ve got another job! You must leave the rehearsal room and buy yourself a notebook. Take your time.

Your name will appear in the programme, although I don’t know why. You haven’t done a damn thing. Maybe I will change your job title. “Directorial Trainee”? “Company Executive”? “Production Team”?

No. To carefully consider changing your job title would take time. Time that I do not have. You’ll have to change it yourself. Another job for you!

What great experience you’re getting! Remember me in your memoirs, won’t you? It’s “Manwood”. Gregory Manwood.

Apply to NRAJ Box 22
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Reviewer Required For, Like, Snarkiest Blog Ever – Web

Posted in Poetry, Writing & Spoken Word on April 6, 2010 by Not Real Arts Jobs

Job: Reviewer
Artform: Withering Putdowns
Paid?: For blogging? Are you kidding me?
Location: Web

Shithouse Daily – the internet’s most caustic call-a-spade-a-spade review blog – is looking for, like, the most sarcastic reviewer ever to review plays, films, art, and other bollocks.

But what sort of person are we looking for? You can write, sure… But are you a Shithouse Daily writer?

At one point in your life, maybe, there was a little glimmer of happiness caused by art or film or some shit like that. Maybe you saw a drop of dew on a leaf and thought you saw something of your soul reflected in that perfect droplet of water.

Whatever, dickhead.

Now you’re, like, totally over being moved by a fucking drip of water and, like, like nothing. Especially not the endless cavalcade of knuckle-dragging douchebags who make stuff that you have to watch for Shithouse Daily, which is – let’s not forget – a blog which total losers read. You hear me, Shithouse shithouses? You’re all losers!

And so where you would have once written:-

“There was a drop of dew on a leaf and inside it I saw the very parameters of my soul being charted, and with glassy eyes I scanned the oceans of my existence and read the legend ‘HERE BE MONSTERS’…”

… now, after a disappointing experience of life, of sexual disaster, of failing to get your novel finished, you would write:-

“This drop of PISS wasn’t even trying, lying impotently upon its comfortable leaf couch. Fuck this dew! *I* could roll off a leaf better than this bastard!”

You will be mean, misanthropic and disaffected. If you have a heart it is a dessicated husk of meat limply breathing out a cloud of dust.

Extra kudos is granted to anyone who writes their reviews in character, or in rhyme, just to make any criticism of the piece in question even more puerile and even less justified. A high water mark of this technique was our review of GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, which was just a picture of a kitten licking a hammer. What did that mean? Nothing but a hearty contempt for the reader!

We require a submitted CV listing your significant failures alongside your triumphs, so we have ammunition when we inevitably fire you. We would also like five examples of your criticism – one of which should be what you think of contemporary art expressed solely through a photograph of your bum.

Finally, never forget that, at every stage of the interview process, we are talking shit about you behind your back, mocking your physical appearance, and collectively deconstructing the pathetic facades that you have erected to mask your lack of personality. This, to us, is fun.

Good luck.

Shithouse Daily is an Equal Opportunities Employer – in that we hate everyone equally.

Apply to NRAJ Box 21
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com