Job: Relationship Manager
Paid?: The job is payment enough
Location: North London (bars, cinema, occasional hat shop)
High-to-mid-profile actor (hereafter known as ‘The Actor’) is looking for a Relationship Manager to manage his relationship while he is away on tour.
[To maintain The Actor’s anonymity, this advert will be kept necessarily vague.]
Having been a regular on a soap for three years, and a featured performer on a youth-orientated sitcom, The Actor is now looking to take his career to the next level, with a key role in a touring production of a high-to-mid-brow murder mystery, appearing at theatres around the provinces of Britain. He is appearing in this play with a doyenne of British stage and screen – think someone as famous as Felicity Kendal, but who is in no way Felicity Kendal.
Whilst away on tour, The Actor requires a Relationship Manager to keep his relationship with his girlfriend (hereafter known as ‘Susan’) alive. This will entail taking ‘Susan’ out to a bar a couple of times a week, avoiding paparazzi, and sometimes going to see films at the cinema – depending on whether Kate Hudson (hereafter known as ‘Kate Hudson’) is in it.
The Relationship Manager will have to live with ‘Susan’, which may prove difficult as she doesn’t do a scrap of housework, and her job as Actress-Model-Whatever doesn’t appear to involve leaving the house or earning any money.
The Relationship Manager may also be surprised by how many hats ‘Susan’ appears to buy and then not wear. The Actor finds this just as preposterous as The Relationship Manager.
The Relationship Manager will occasionally have to have arguments with ‘Susan’ in shops, about when ‘Susan’ will be paying her share of the mortgage, whether they can adopt a reindeer which can live under the stairs, or why ‘Susan’ can’t have another bloody hat. (The reason is because she has loads of hats already.)
The Relationship Manager will also be required to occasionally engage in lovemaking. It is important that the Relationship Manager is bad at lovemaking, or at least worse than The Actor, just so ‘Susan’ will not end up running off with the Relationship Manager. Although actually, this might solve a lot of The Actor’s problems, and he could then write a book of the story of his relationship with ‘Susan’, which could then be turned into a film, starring ‘Kate Hudson’.
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