Ghostwriter Required To Apologise For Not Posting On Blog – London/Internet

Job: Writer / Blogger
Artform: Grovelling
Paid?: For blogging?
Location: Internet

So, yeah, basically I started the blog as – you know – a chance to get my thoughts out about, like, TV and politics and stuff, but I just got really busy with work, and dating Alison, so I thought “Shit, I haven’t posted on my blog in ages” and then I thought “I should apologise for that”.

But then I thought “I haven’t really got time to apologise for that because of the work thing and the Alison thing”, so that sucked.

But then I thought “Why do I need to apologise? It’s not like there’s some kind of rule about how often you need to write on a blog, is there?”

But then Alison said “Why don’t you ever write on your blog anymore? When we were first dating, I saw your posts and it made me want to get to know you, and… you know, you have a really unique view on Game of Thrones that really needs to get out there”.

And I said “Yeah, I do, but… you know, the work thing and… you know, we’re dating and everything… and it just seems a bit… I don’t know…”

And Alison said “Well…”

And I said “Yeah…”

And then she said “Hmm…”

And I said “You know…”

I love her so much. She’s so encouraging.

So yeah, if you could write an apology for why I haven’t blogged recently, I’ll post it up.

I think Game of Thrones is pretty good.

Apply to NRAJ Box 36
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Mezze required for Close Harmony Group – Winchester

Job: Mezze
Artform: Close-harmony music, and the fuelling thereof
Paid?: Yes, with a generous 15% tip
Location: Winchester

Following a tough gig, close harmony group The Unlimiteds have a role in their team available to a wide-ranging mezze dinner.

The Unlimiteds are a five-part harmony group, singing an uptempo mix of jazz standards, musical theatre, and the occasional cheeky cover version! As you might imagine, it’s hungry work.

The vacancy in The Unlimiteds must be filled by a range of small and tasty dishes of Middle Eastern and Mediterranean origin. For the vacancy is in their tummies.

The applicant must have an excellent sense of hummus-to-bread ratio, good experience with those tasty little kebabs, and must be a great source of ideas, especially if those ideas include “How about some more tabbouleh?”

Please send in a CV sellotaped to a tupperware full of baba ghanoush, by way of reference. We look forward to meeting you.

And then eating you.

Apply to NRAJ Box 35
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Bemused Friend Of Theatremakers Seeks Less-Furious Social Circle – London

Job: Friends
Artform: Just being normal
Paid?: Paid in love, and the occasional round of drinks
Location: London (and also on all major social networking sites)

Following an exhausting period of time where all of my friends have been extremely angry about cuts to the Arts Council, and government policy in general, I’m looking for a whole new social circle that are a bit – you know – less pissed off.

I haven’t actually done any theatre since university, and I feel like my artsy friends and I went through some really great times together, but I don’t think talking to me about Arts Council cuts will do any good.

For a start, I have a day-job in Millets, selling tents and hiking boots and other outdoorsy-type stuff. I’m a pretty understanding guy, and I admit that some of the government’s actions seem a little ideological, but jeez, guys, you’ve got to lighten up.

My friend Jeff signed my birthday card with the legend “Good luck making it to the next birthday without any THEATRE”, and I was trying to have a nice quiet pint with Nicola, but she couldn’t stop breathlessly calling George Osborne unspeakably crude names and tearing a napkin into really small pieces. I sympathise with their friends losing their jobs, and there being less money around to fund another bloody PLAY I have to go to, but seriously, do they have to be such dicks about it?

I’m looking for a whole new social circle to replace the one I have at the moment. Perhaps where we can have a nice drink or a picnic on a Sunday, without Martin insisting we all go and occupy a tax-dodging shop and do a bit of agit-prop theatre.

And I’d also like a Twitter feed that isn’t relentlessly depressing. Maybe it just contains tweets about football, or what happened on Britain’s Got Talent… I’m pretty sure Sarah’s Facebook wall used to be about funny pictures of rabbits and cool graffiti she had seen, and that was quite enjoyable; now she just posts up extracts of Johann Hari articles, and then links through to the same Johann Hari articles. It’s just a bit of a drag.

I welcome applications from people who like throwing a frisbee, those who are excited about the Royal Wedding, and moderately attractive girls who might have sex with me even though I don’t know the UK’s National Debt as a percentage of GDP.

Apply to NRAJ Box 34
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Cuts-ravaged Theatre Company Seeks Cast For Seven Brides For Seven Brothers: The Duologue – Shrewsbury

Job: Actor x2
Artform: Austerity theatre
Paid?: Yes
Location: Shrewsbury

Following the withdrawal of our regular arts funding, we’re looking for two almost-superhuman actors to form the entire cast for our production of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers.

When it became apparent that our funding was not as secure as we had previously believed, we blithely insisted that our production schedule would continue as previously arranged, and it is only now that we are beginning to realise the ramifications of this as we attempt to stage the 1954 musical celebration of multiple nuptials with a cast of only two people.

We are therefore looking for two exceptionally fit actors, as they will have to do a lot of running around. We don’t want actors keeling over as the demands of re-enacting the original’s gruelling dance scenes fall not upon fourteen teenagers, but two senior citizens from the Indian subcontinent.

For, lest we forget to mention, our sole remaining funding comes from the Laxmishanker G. Pathak Foundation, whose mission is to encourage artistic participation by ‘citizens of the third age’ from a Gujarati background. We are eternally grateful to the LG Pathak Foundation for sticking by us, and it is to our great discredit that we did not consider the paucity of roles for Gujarati senior citizens in the romantic musical tale of Oregonian backwoodsmen and their brides.

Nevertheless, we plough on regardless, resting on the ever-benevolent arms of the Theatrical Fates, and we are certain that there must be – there must be – actors out there with the internal constitution, acting ability, and proud Indian heritage to take on seven roles each and sing rousing versions of “Sobbin’ Women” and “Lonesome Polecat”.

Please get in touch. Without the two of you, our epic musical vision shall be yet another scalp claimed by this disastrous turn in Arts Council funding, and our short-sighted press release insisting that we would carry on come-what-may will indeed be the final nail in the coffin for our theatrical ambition.

Plus, we’ve got a lot of complimentary Patak’s chutney that needs eating.

Apply to NRAJ Box 33
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Theatrical Producer Tentatively Opening Newspaper Seeks Buddha – Guildford

Job: Buddha
Artform: Awakenment
Paid?: I shall festoon your spiritual palaces with exotic spices
Location: The Guildford of our age

Oh supreme one, help me in my direst hour, as I open the Guildford Advertiser to see what they thought of my production of Alan Ayckbourn’s “Bedroom Farce” at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre.

Sitting here in my favourite breakfast cafe, may I figuratively pat your noble belly and ask that the Guildford Advertiser overlook Jessica’s hamminess? Yes, her interpretation of Delia is a little… bold, but as you know, the beautiful teaching of anitya tells us that all things that come to be have an end, and our production of Bedroom Farce has one heck of a curtain call.

For, oh Buddha, I do not come into this state of enlightenment with this unopened copy of the Guildford Advertiser thinking that I have achieved an unconstructed dimension of awareness with this production of Ayckbourn’s play. We have had our share of production problems, including a poorly put-together bed which almost disintegrated under Trevor and Jan. Nevermind “nirvana”, we “nirly didn’t make press night” – what with Gregory’s indiscretion about Fiona’s friend’s gastric band.

So, as I open this newspaper, I am contemplating upon the Four Noble Truths which tell us that suffering is an ingrained part of existence. And, just as Susannah must live life knowing the weight of Trevor’s indiscretion, so must I bear the new weight if the Guildford Advertiser recognise the reused costumes from last June’s modern-dress Henry V. And I must also remember that suffering can be ended, especially if I blank that hack critic at the Guildford Advertiser Christmas party.

And if not, may the eggs and bacon of this breakfast cafe be the meal (like yours from Cunda the blacksmith) which carries me to Parinirvana, and saves me from Tuesday’s edition of the Guildford Times.

Apply to NRAJ Box 32
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Corporate Funder Required For Corporate Funding Satire – Bristol

Job: Corporate Funder
Artform: Theatre
Paid?: No, you would pay us.
Location: Brizzle

“Let’s make some theatre!”

That’s what we thought to ourselves when we heard of all of the money being taken from theatre and given to BANKERS who put it in their basements like Scrooge McDuck and then swim around in it. “Let’s make some theatre!” is what we thought because even though it might be counter-incongruous to do that, that is what we DO in our careers as professional ARTISANS.

So Jonty has written a play called “All In This Together?” and the question mark is really important because – reading between the lines – he thinks we are not all in this together. YEAH! Take that, Mr McDuck OBE!

And now we’re looking for some corporate funding, both because we need funds for acting shoes, etc, but also as a VERY CLEVER double layer of clever.

You see, if our show is all about how corporate funding is never going to be an adequate replacement for arts council funding, and we then have corporate funding ourselves, it’s like we’re attacking The Man TWICE. It’s like our theatre sword is a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword of theatre. Where one edge is satirical, making the Fat Cats realise how fat (and also feline) they are, and where the other edge is sharp, like a sword, and purely practical because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to rent the Redgrave Theatre in Clifton.

So we are looking for a corporate funder who is also a bit gullible.

Incidentally, did you know that the word “gullible” has been removed from the dictionary? It has. It definitely has.

Please apply with details of your enormous wealth, and also the length of time it took you to realise that the word “gullible” hasn’t actually been removed from the dictionary, and that that was a test to see whether you are gullible or not (a long time is better).

Please apply to NRAJ Box 31
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com

Headline Writer, Men’s Health Magazine – London

Job: Headline Writer, Men’s Health Magazine
Artform: Journalism
Paid?: Yes. Plus discounted gym membership!
Location: London

Men’s Health magazine, the premium magazine for the Health of Men, is looking for a headline writer to convey the content of the magazine to the casual newsagent browser.

As the cover story every issue is how to make your stomach muscles really strong, the candidate must have a good knowledge of synonyms for abs. Describing them as “a six-pack” is rather passé now, so we’re looking for people who can push the envelope of abs-description.

Here are some examples of the quality we’re looking for:-

GUYS! GET THAT WASHBOARD STOMACH LOOK AND SHE WILL DO HER LAUNDRY ON IT!

BANISH THE BEERGUT AND SAY HELLO TO YOUR SNAIL CARPARK STOMACH!

SHE’LL LOVE YOUR NEW SIX-BALD-MEN-IN-A-DRAGON-BOAT ABDOMINALS!

THE TUMMY CATTLE-GRID LOOK IS IN!

BELLY BUBBLEWRAP: ACHIEVED!

REVEALED! THE ONE-MONTH PLAN TO HAVE YOUR STOMACH LOOKING LIKE A HESSIAN BAG FULL OF WHELKS!

IS THAT YOUR TORSO, OR SIX SCOUTS UNDER A TARP?

Life expectancy for Men’s Health headline writers is, perhaps ironically, rather low. This is because of the exertion of thinking of new synonyms. Our outgoing headline writer was last seen passed out under a Soho pub table, convulsing and gibbering something about “a fistful of free-range eggs”. That kind of synonym just won’t cut it.

To apply, please send a list of your ideas to us. A job at Men’s Health comes with a standard pension plan, free gym membership and all the InstaBulk® whey pellets you can stuff into your muscled jaw.

Some knowledge of Lemsip may also be required.

Please apply to NRAJ Box 30
notrealartsjobs@googlemail.com